Strength

As many of you may already know, yesterday I had my routine check up. I was 16 1/2 weeks along in my second pregnancy. Going into these routine check-ups my favorite thing is to listen to the baby's heartbeat...it's such a wonderful sound. This week, during my appointment the nurse gave me the worst news I have received to date. They couldn't find a heartbeat. They wanted to have an ultrasound done just to makes sure - I called Rick crying as I was leaving the doctor's office and walking across the street to the hospital...after hearing the news he drove to the hospital so we could be together for our ultrasound. Once he heard the news there was just silence over the phone...we were both in such shock. After seeing the baby on the screen and no movement at all, or no heartbeat to be seen, we knew right away. Tears filled my eyes as it had hit me we lost such a precious miracle. Something we loved so much, yet we've never even met. I tried so hard to fight back the tears and  remember Rick saying, "you don't have to be scared to let it out..." and that's what I was trying to do. I realize now, after all your love, support, and prayers that it's okay to grieve. It feels so good to write this down, even as tears fill my eyes and the pain in my heart seems like it will never go away. Someone reminded me today "you are one of the very few people that has someone in Heaven you have never met, and can look forward to seeing someday." I find peace in my heart knowing our child will not suffer here on earth, and yes I said suffer...
The ultrasound showed that the baby had a cyst on the neck. The doctor's say when they see that they typically find down syndrome or turner's syndrome - something that can happen as an act of nature, or something that happened with chromosomes missing. The baby will have some testing done after the D&C procedure tomorrow to figure out exactly what was wrong. We will possibly even be able to figure out if it was a boy or girl - I was measuring 16 weeks, but the baby was only measuring 13. They say it is something that could've happened yesterday and the baby was just growing slowly...We just don't know. All we know is God took our baby for a reason, and we have to accept it no matter how hard it may be. We still may not understand why, but we will some day as we see HIS plan unfold for the rest of our future.
I want to thank everyone for the flowers, cards, kind words, and mostly prayers. It all means so much to us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers over the next few days for God to give us the strength as we meet, hold, and have closure with our precious baby...
...P.S. You might wonder how Kayli is doing. She is great. She is her normal happy self, always making us laugh. She sure is a blessing and is helping us through this just by being herself...her personality is so great, and so encouraging.