Thankful...

Wow. How fast time surely does go. I never believed it when everybody told me, "Kids grow up so fast, cherish every moment!" Well, I do just that. I cherish the moments Kayli sits on my lap as we watch Dora together in the morning and she eats her cup of cheerios and drinks her sippy cup with milk...I cherish the moments I am awake with her at night and she falls asleep in my arms. She's so busy that moments like that don't happen too often any more.

As I look into the future I can't hardly believe that February is just a mere 3 months away. If all had gone well during our past pregnancy, in 3 months we would be holding our second addition to the family, another little girl. While my heart still aches in wanting to hold her just one time, no matter how "imperfect" she may have been, she would've been perfect in my eyes, and I can't wait for the day I will get to see her in Heaven.

Every day I see people posting a status about one thing they are thankful for each day. I thought about doing the same, but instead I just decided I would write...

I am thankful for wonderful family and friends we can create wonderful memories with...A great Church to be a member of, a job, freedom, my list could go on and on!
But especially this...
I am thankful that God has blessed me with a wonderful husband to provide for our family. He is hard working and the best husband I could ask for. He is such a wonderful Daddy to our precious little girl. Without him I wouldn't have been able to make it through the past few months. As hard as the past few months have been on us, we have had an overwhelming amount of support and prayers from family, and friends, some that we hardly talk to. ...As hard as it is for me to say this; I am thankful that God took our little girls life when He did. She will never have to suffer a day here on earth. It's just been another "one of those days" where I miss her so much. I wish I was still able to feel her little kicks and punches. It could've happened sooner and that may have been easier for us to deal with, but I thank God that I was able to feel her kicks while I could and buld a connection with her. As hard as some days get, I KNOW she is perfect and in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father! ...and for that, I am thankful!

Family Pictures

It was cold and WINDY and we had a crabby little girl, but we took our chances and had family pictures taken!

(Due to facebook making photos look so grainy I wanted to add them on our blog!)

 

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like thisSo I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you
Selah - I will carry you

Another Door Closed

Just when I couldn't find the words to explain how I've been feeling, the doctor handed me a paper with this poem on it:

For those few weeks...
I had you to myself.
That seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks
I came to know you...and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life,

oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams, and aspirations

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently passed

and no one is mourning about the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
and no "normal" personal would cry all night

over a tiny, fragile baby,

or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day...
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks, MY LITTLE ONE

You darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer and...

to give me a small glimpse of eternity....

-Susan Erling

"I will carry you.."

I don't know where to begin - I feel like the Lord has blessed me tremendously. I have the best husband I could ever ask for, and the most beautiful daughter who is such a little character, she's constantly making us smile. We have such wonderful families and friends who have been by our side through all of this. I want to thank each and every one of you for the prayers, thoughts, flowers, cards, etc...You all have been such a blessing.
I pray that you all find something out of me "blogging" about this. Maybe it will touch someones life in a way, I don't know that it will...but I hope it does. I feel that this has changed me as a person, and has taught me to cherish every moment. God sure has shown me a lot in the past few weeks...I never knew I had the strength that has gotton me through the weeks, but I did. I've felt so much comfort and peace through everyones prayers.
We ask for prayers throughout this next week. It's going to be a pretty tough week, tomorrow we go in to find out what happened with our baby and what the chances of it happening again are. We hope and pray that the chances of something like this happening again are very slim.


We will always love and remember our little one. I thank God for the moments I had, the kicks and punches I felt for a short time...I feel so blessed to have been able to have that. ...Can't wait to meet our perfect baby in Heaven some day...

"I will carry you...all my life. I will praise the one whose chosen me, to carry you.."

Trouble...

I thought life was busy with a baby...Life with a TODDLER is A LOT more busy! I still can't believe she's a toddler already, running around and getting into trouble! She's always keeping us busy, and of course, laughing at some of the things she does. She sure loves to climb...

She found a way to get on the couch...

I don't think it worked out how she thought it would...

She thought she was so cool...until she fell down..she said "OOOO"

...and got back up again. Naughty Naughty! :-P

...and here's trouble. Talking on the phone and driving already.

While life may be busy keeping up with her, we sure enjoy every second of it! So I don't always like tripping over her toys (since she empties her WHOLE toy box EVERY DAY), or not being able to clean my house like I need to - but I wouldn't trade any of it for a thing! She has such a great personality, we couldn't ask for more!

Cabin Time!

Rick, Dad, and I decided to make a last minute trip Up North. Ricky had really wanted to finish setting up his hunting spots. I forgot my camera, so here are some pictures off of our video camera...

So tired from being out in the woods!

Had to take a break with Papa and eat a snack pack...

Exploring! She loves it up here!

Kayli turned 1!

Here are a few of Kayli's one year photos I wanted to share! We went to take them a couple days before her birthday...I tell ya, taking pictures of a newborn or a baby who can't move was a LOT easier! :-P ...I decided with her running around, I would take what I could get:

Mommy's Little Helper

I was getting some house work done, or trying I should say. Kayli's latest thing the past month is to point and say "uh-uh-uh" if she wants something. As I was cleaning with a rag she was pointing at it like she wanted one. So, I gave her a rag...and this is what she started doing :)

Putting things away!

It is so fun to watch how quickly kids grow. I can't believe the little things I do that she catches on to. (talking on the phone, and watching me clean..) You don't think they realize every little thing you are doing, but they do!

There is no reason to be angry.

The other day I received a facebook message. I enjoy reading through everyones messages, your words are very encouraging. A few friends had told me "It's okay to be angry with God" ...I read that over and over again. As I sit here today still thinking on those words I say to myself "How can I be?"... I am not mad, I am not angry, I am just sad ...We are grieving over the loss of our sweet baby, but we constantly remind ourselves of why God took him/her into His arms. God has already blessed me with so much. A loving husband, the best support system in the world, a loving Christian family, and a beautiful daughter who I look at every day and am reminded constantly of how blessed I am. Her personality shines through day in and day out - always putting smiles on everyones faces..whether we are with family, or out at the store and she's squealing and talking to everyone. She is such a blessing to both Rick and I, and many others. So no, I can't be angry with God there is absolutely no reason to be. Sadness overwhelms our hearts but we understand He did this for a reason and it will become clear to us some day...I know I sound like a broken record as I constantly say "We know he did this for a reason" ...but that one line is such a reminder and gets me through this every day.

Prayers Felt...

Woke up at 5:30 this morning to get ready for the procedure. I actually dealt with it pretty well this morning. I woke up with such peace and comfort - I couldn't even shed a tear. I knew right then that God had His arms wrapped around me extra tight.. Once we got to the hospital reality really set in, and hit hard. I wanted to wake up and have everything be a dream. Unfortunately, it wasn't that way.
Rick and I had some time together before the procedure - it's definitely been tough for both of us, and will continue to be in the weeks and months ahead.
After surgery we had talked to the doctor and he suggested we not see the baby. He had said that the baby measured 13 weeks and had shrunk and just thought maybe it was best they printed me a few extra ultrasound pictures, and I was okay with that.
I am doing well now, home and feeling pretty good. Things hit me again every now and then but I just feel this peace over me, that everything is going to be okay. I feel that a lot of that comes from all of your love and prayers. We appreciate each and every one.
Yesterday I had decided to go into work - it helped get my mind off of things before the procedure today, and I could talk about it to people. It felt good to cry. A dear co-worker of mine, Doris, wanted to make an outfit for the baby...When I received it, I couldn't believe how tiny the hats were - how can a baby be that small? It's just so hard to understand...Deep down it hurt that the doctor said it was best we didn't see the baby, but I understood. The outfit she made for me is something I will keep to remember our little one....When test results come back in a few weeks and we find out if it was a boy or a girl, we will pick a name. I can't wait to meet our little one in Heaven some day!
Thank you all for your prayers...There is no way we would make it through this without your love and support. I especially want to thank Rick, who has stayed strong to focus on me and be by my side, and wipe my tears or lend his shoulder for me to cry on. Now, time for me to take a few deep breaths and rest.

Strength

As many of you may already know, yesterday I had my routine check up. I was 16 1/2 weeks along in my second pregnancy. Going into these routine check-ups my favorite thing is to listen to the baby's heartbeat...it's such a wonderful sound. This week, during my appointment the nurse gave me the worst news I have received to date. They couldn't find a heartbeat. They wanted to have an ultrasound done just to makes sure - I called Rick crying as I was leaving the doctor's office and walking across the street to the hospital...after hearing the news he drove to the hospital so we could be together for our ultrasound. Once he heard the news there was just silence over the phone...we were both in such shock. After seeing the baby on the screen and no movement at all, or no heartbeat to be seen, we knew right away. Tears filled my eyes as it had hit me we lost such a precious miracle. Something we loved so much, yet we've never even met. I tried so hard to fight back the tears and  remember Rick saying, "you don't have to be scared to let it out..." and that's what I was trying to do. I realize now, after all your love, support, and prayers that it's okay to grieve. It feels so good to write this down, even as tears fill my eyes and the pain in my heart seems like it will never go away. Someone reminded me today "you are one of the very few people that has someone in Heaven you have never met, and can look forward to seeing someday." I find peace in my heart knowing our child will not suffer here on earth, and yes I said suffer...
The ultrasound showed that the baby had a cyst on the neck. The doctor's say when they see that they typically find down syndrome or turner's syndrome - something that can happen as an act of nature, or something that happened with chromosomes missing. The baby will have some testing done after the D&C procedure tomorrow to figure out exactly what was wrong. We will possibly even be able to figure out if it was a boy or girl - I was measuring 16 weeks, but the baby was only measuring 13. They say it is something that could've happened yesterday and the baby was just growing slowly...We just don't know. All we know is God took our baby for a reason, and we have to accept it no matter how hard it may be. We still may not understand why, but we will some day as we see HIS plan unfold for the rest of our future.
I want to thank everyone for the flowers, cards, kind words, and mostly prayers. It all means so much to us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers over the next few days for God to give us the strength as we meet, hold, and have closure with our precious baby...
...P.S. You might wonder how Kayli is doing. She is great. She is her normal happy self, always making us laugh. She sure is a blessing and is helping us through this just by being herself...her personality is so great, and so encouraging.